my worSt beAutiFul DaY

my worSt beAutiFul DaY

This morning, I woke up unrested from last night’s argument. I use the term “argument” loosely because it was more of you yelling and conflictingly, me pleading.

I tossed and turned as I thought of ways to conceal my newest accessories of bodily bruises. The consistent throbbing pain, sensitive to touch, had to have left a mark.

I’d be lying if I said that I never saw you so mad before, but I’m too embarrassed to vocally admit the truth.

Most victims receive an apology but you don’t feel as if you owe me one and I feel the same. Besides, they say words hurt anyways right? Though, I’m not convinced that they pack a punch quite like you do.

But, maybe you’re right.

Maybe my existence in itself makes you upset; maybe I should leave. Your words were spoken out of frustration, I know you didn’t mean everything you said; I know you need someone.

Although It seems slightly unfair to walk away from you while you’re down because in the past you’ve been there for me.

As I paint on my makeup this morning, I’ll too paint on a smile. The smile isn’t for me because I don’t need convincing. The smile is to the keep noisy people from asking questions.

Long ago, you once told me to keep people out of our business, and you were right. I allowed them to fill my head with nonsense and lies about me deserving better and encouraging me to leave, but at night, I was alone. People didn’t fully know my life. Maybe this is my karma, maybe I didn’t deserve better. My momma once said that I had taken candy from the store without paying when I was young and I did cheat on a test when I was twelve. All sins are equal.

So as the sun lusters bright today and I flawlessly expose my photoshopped face to the world, I’ll casually grace humanity in 20 inch hair, high fashion, and 6 inch heels; for the outside is my stage and I am its muse.

I’ll continue to thank the Lord for my life and yours; for forgiveness, acceptance, humility and change, as the church teaches “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”